The shadow man

“Live simply that others might simply live”

~Elizabeth Ann Seton

After attempting to clamber up several ladders, testing out which one would get me high enough above the ground to give me chance to jump, I found that the whole time I had been looking for ladders made of the wrong material entirely.

There I had been experimenting the support of silver, gold and diamond rungs when all I needed was a decent yet worn iron ladder. Hence why every time I hoisted myself slowly up I would crumble under the pressure or the steps would simply fail to understand my desperate urge to be better. I have been blessed by people in my life who are always there and when discussing my predicament with one such friend he told me: “You just needed some space to find you and you still have plenty to find”. The words he chose that day were harvested and delivered better than I could have ever planned. They came to land in my mind at a very precautious moment in my life and I reflect on them often.

I have always known immediately what I disliked or liked about people, I have always known what qualities I look for in a partner and what traits I need in a friend. Whilst my friendships have been absolutely incredible, I have somehow managed to err in the same areas when it came to attraction and emotions. It got to the point where I decided that it wasn’t worth my time, I wasn’t interested and I wasn’t looking. The most absurd thing truly is that you really do find magic in the most unexpected areas. Not only have I stumbled into a man full of integrity, intelligence, determination and passion but he has no interest in harnessing me. I am not his and he is not mine and yet I want to be around him, talk for hours and laugh about everything with him. Within a few minutes of being embraced by his aura I find myself secure in a place I didn’t know existed. This isn’t about wording a vow, swearing loyalty or communicating with the other before making a decision. This is purely about a single moment, that began when we both realised we wanted to be in the same space for a while. Travellers caught on the same crossroads at the same time.

I must admit that coming to terms with this concept was something I imagined I would always do very naturally yet I questioned him regardless of the fact that I understood his perspective. I wasn’t entirely satisfied with the arrangement as it meant I could just be another notch on his belt without his sworn asylum. It didn’t take me long to realise that my stupidity was growing from a seed planted by society and its expectations, needless to say I tossed out my shell and slowly started helping him work away at my walls. The freedom to completely be myself twenty four hours a day without having to constantly evaluate my behaviour means that I am at peace with the world when I am with him. “This is a smile that I’ve never shown before” is the only way I can adequately describe what’s happening. A special thanks to him for reminding me that the present is the greatest place to be.

It might not be the stairway everyone would choose, and I know that if I jump off the high board he won’t be the one to catch me, he will however, be there to hand me a pair of crutches.