"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young."
~Henry Ford
My alarm assaulted me at 8am. I had been dozing for nearly two hours and yet it felt like five minutes. The cup of tea that had been lovingly made stood cold beside the bed. I complained something awful and rolled over to fall back into the place where I didn’t have to get up quite yet, alas the higher powers had decided that this was not an option and my alarm began wailing at me again. I sat up, viciously rubbed my eyes and scrambled for my glasses, there it was: “UNIVERSITY ACCEPTANCE TODAY”. The mayhem that overturned every logical thought pattern in my head was clinical and enraging, so much so that I cannot for the life of me put it into words. I can however summarise the five minute hyperventilation period into two words; oh fuck.
In the midst of dressing I booted up the laptop thinking I could go online and ease my flighty heart, I had calmed sufficiently and was able to sit still with a cuppa warming my hands and a cigarette hanging from my mouth. There it was, the website. The moment of knowing what I had been obsessing over for weeks. The letters that formed the words; Reference number...the bridge in my mind crumbling when I realised I had left the nifty number at home. Resisting the urge to punch the wall I chain smoked and slurped down the hot tea. Only to be rescued from my pit of slow desperation by a lovely person who was kind enough to share a spliff with me...suddenly life seemed alright again.
I staggered from the heat of my comfort zone towards the station. Peering suspiciously at everyone who passed me by and getting more edgy about the moment of truth which still hadn’t revealed itself at 9am. The train trip was the most testing, the newspapers bored me, the people frightened me and the train moved too slowly. The thrill from just catching my connecting train was enough to push up my enthusiasm for a few moments and just when I thought I was going to crash, I walked through a private school. Considering my perspective on rich people who judge, this was enough to make my year. There I was in my boots (two sizes too big and free), jeans (decorated with holes), guns n roses t-shirt (sleeves ripped off), my terrorist scarf (up around my face) and my backpack stomping through the cusp of upper class education under the influence of marijuana. Normally I would be frozen with fear around people – I have terrible paranoia, but this was comedy. The distaste in their eyes was so bitter it made me chuckle.
Aching for a hot shower I ignored the unknown and burnt my flesh for fifteen glorious minutes before snapping out of my bliss and maniacally scrambling for my university folder. The number seemed to taunt me while I discussed the severity of a denial with myself. I broke out into a sweat, my fingers sliding over the digits as if I was calling to book myself into an asylum. Dial tone...I should just eat until I die from sufficiency...Hello...I wonder what mischief I would get up to if I could use this money for something else...Applications...I should write this number down in several places so I don’t lose it...Accepted...Excuse me?...You’ve been accepted. The next few movements happened very quickly. I inhaled sharply to avoid screaming in the nice man’s ear, thanked him twenty seven times and hung up. The kitchen floor is tiled and I was in socks, naturally I jammed. Hands up in the air, unhealthily large smile splitting my skin and a groove to an imaginary beat. The elation gathered in my being in that moment was close to nothing I’ve ever felt before. I swore that I would study and I would do it alone, three years later after learning about myself, people and the world I am standing here with an acceptance letter in my hands. I have never been prouder of myself, this re-enforces everything I have been taught; I can do anything I put my mind to.
A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails. ~Donna Roberts
A very special thank you to those people who stood by me and encouraged me when I lost vision of my abilities. I will never forget the smiles you brought me and the support you provided me in this very crucial stage of my life J
<3 Mom, Dad and Liz. You guys have been exceptional in your constant love and support. I will be forever grateful.
<3 Special Friends. You know who you are. You have all been my rock. Kept me sane. Made me believe in myself. I am forever in your debt.
<3 My man. You make me want to be better. You push me to believe. Thank you for holding my hand through this :)
No comments:
Post a Comment