"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there"
~Lewis Carroll
Living a vertiginous life is a pleasurable experience. The adrenaline rushes that never cease bring bouts of insanity and yet it is an ominous high I crave. Today brings a pleasant gift of relaxation. It is the first day since I have started working that I can comfortably claim as my own. I don't long for any thrills or have urges to be spontaneous, I merely enjoy my surroundings and allow what will be, be.
It is in these preciously silent moments that I reflect on the recent changes that have come to pass in my recent year. I am fairly convinced that I am growing little by little everyday. I am a steady, stable and reliable mother figure during the week. I tend to my boys as I would my own children if I had any, I make them their meals, bathe them, play with them and tuck them in at night. If you were to catch me me with them and you had no vision of my relationship with them I guarantee you that your first intellectual guess would be mother. Playing house in a home that is as considerate and down to earth as my own brings me waves of euphoria. Waves because like all humans sometimes they drive me up the wall! The point I am attempting to pour light on however is that of the fact that being in such a secure environment makes me weak. I no longer challenge myself to consider my next step, I have ceased dreaming about where to next because the harsh fixed truth is that I am beginning to accept permanent settlement as a superior option in my life. I require a proposition, something that installs a fresh greed within me to continue my phenomenal trek around the globe. I refuse to lay my way of life to rest and yet I am here, content with my current situation.
The difference between this journey and my last expedition is that this time around I am not attempting to escape my life but to rather instigate the start to my adult life. I admit in many ways to expecting things to smoothly run their course. To co-operate and slot together like a puzzle, a puzzle depicting a landscape of fanatical beauty and fictional happiness. Fighting every step of the road is not the way I envisioned my growth but since it is the most realistic option I gloriously accept and will clench my fists and shed blood in order to get what I want.
My first struggle is of course to mend my aching heart. I foolishly invited the most courteous, respectful, amazing, down to earth man into my life only to lose him as quickly as I fell for him. I have never allowed my heart to decide my direction and I have been diagnosed as a cynical old hag as the first time I did I lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. I yearn for his words, his wisdom and his eccentric yet amicable personality. I miss him daily and he invades my thoughts by the minute.
This one is for being vulnerable, human and unguarded. Maybe focusing on the imaginary world I long to be in isn't so hazardous after all.
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