Vacation station

"No vacation goes unpunished" 

 ~Karl Hakkarainen

The mere audacity that must course through someone’s head in order to manipulate their mind into believing that it is decent or even accepted to address another in such a foul manner is something I cannot level with.

I have never been so consumed with burning rage as I am in this moment. I am seated in a graveyard sizzling with a fiery desire to destroy. The death placates me and soils my corrupted thoughts. I cannot pretend I am enjoying this thing they have incorrectly donned ‘vacation’, surely for a ‘vacation’, one should vacate the daily stressful routine but I feel that by excitedly eloping from my employment I have in fact literally shot myself in the foot. Here I am a bubbling cauldron of unhealthy emotions, emotions I have never felt when in my place of work, the place I have come to call home. Rather than feeling as if I have just been evacuated to safety, I feel like I have been thrown to the lions to give them the pleasure of gnawing at my last shreds of stability.

I am not for one instant denying that I craved a break from my absolutely wonderful but demanding children but to now be in this pit of quicksand with the most demanding child of the lot is not what I signed up for. I have never felt so dejected, insulted and humiliated and all gifts from a member of my family. My heart is shattered by cruel intentions and malicious words, an attack with so much vigour that if I had to expect it at all, it would not have been uttered by one who shares my blood.

The lack of respect has cracked my soul and all the empowering positive energy is tainted by a line of arsenic dripping slowly through my beliefs, poisoning my love and encouraging disappointment and loathing. After thriving on my recent successes I fear this hiccup has dragged me three steps back. My anger is an addiction I no longer have control over, so much so that I felt forced to physically remove myself from the situation entirely. I choke back the nausea at the thought that someone who loves me was able to verbally maim me without a single regret.

I am ashamed in my lack of will power. I have been doing so well; pushing the crushing negativity away with all my might. My body aches from the confrontation with the blood lusting beast, my mind is an illusion and my heart…well to be honest I think its fucked off on vacation.