The price of independence

"To be truly and really independent is to support ourselves by our own exertions"

- Jane Porter

One of my first phrases as a determined toddler was; "I can do it all by myself". A phrase that came to define a large amount of my personality from then to now and onwards. My mom told me a story this past weekend about that ever present phrase of mine; before I was half a metre in height, I wanted to open doors. The importance being in the 'I', a natural compromise would be that I be so gracious as to allow one of my parents to lift me so that I could open the door, but of course, I wasn't having any of it. There I was standing flat against the door, stretching as if it would aid my cause and screaming my lungs out when I was unable to do it and yet I refused any help. My mom then tactfully pointed out a footstool and from then on I would haul the footstool out, climb it and successfully open the door as I had first intended; all by myself.

The same pattern of obstinate independence has featured throughout my life so far. My family (mostly my poor parents who were saddled with me) and my friends will know how stubborn I am when it comes to accepting help and especially when asking for it. I prefer to do it singularly even if it takes that much longer, just like I did twenty years ago with the footstool.

Whilst I thrive on the independence I so eagerly seek, there is a price to it.

This price comes in the form of sacrifice in several stages;

First of all, personal sacrifice. I can't live the life I would like to live as my financial independence means university is my priority and pretty much everything else falls to the wayside. This won't be permanent but the confinement and inability to take full advantage of my youth chews on the corners of my soul.

Secondly, friends. A fair amount of people who care about me want to help me. Most of them learn to handle my diamond encrusted stubbornness and are more than willing to appreciate me for who I am and leave me to my own devices. Sometimes, however, people don't understand and instead of respecting my independence, they are offended by it. Not good glue for friendship.

Lastly, relationships. A lot of men like to take care of their women. Whilst I am not against romantic gestures I battle with constant offerings. I understand that that’s the way some people choose to show love but when overdone I find it demeaning and aggravating. I personally feel that a relationship should be an equal partnership, as soon as someone feels the need to "take care" of me, they try pay for everything, carry my stuff for me, refer to me as "my girlfriend" (do they forget my name or something?) and take it upon themselves to know where I am all the time etc. Just in clarification, I do appreciate being cared for just not 'taken care' of. For example, if I have a bag and he doesn't have a bag, by all means the offering is commendable (not that I'll hand it over) but if we both have bags, it seems illogical for him to double his load when we could share the load. This often leads to what I call a pac man situation, where my independence is pac man's food and the relationship is devouring every inch of me and making us one big 'us' (puke). Not a good foundation for any relationship.

It's only complicated if you make it complicated. I love my family and my friends with all my heart and I am always willing to lend a hand where it is needed or will be appreciated. I enjoy my own space and the challenge of independence feeds my personal growth. It's who I am, It's who I'll always be, and quite frankly if you have a problem with it you can just piss right off.